Coat of Butterflies

 

But You Laugh Inside, Remembering

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.”

― Charles Bukowski

Ever since joining the Druids, my approach to the Challenges has been to use the dates as bookends, identify the pieces of my life that are in play during that time frame. In the process, what I'm worried about or excited about, or fearful of always shows up, and those are the real challenges: to navigate my life peacefully and with contentment, mindfulness, and presence in the moment even when there is chaos, conflict. Goodness knows my life certainly knows how to bring it in heapfuls. 

In the past decade, but especially the past five years, there was so much to be overwhelmed by that there were days I had no idea what to do or which way to turn. In these moments I learned to be still and sit with the uncertainty. This is a magnificent tool and it continues to serve me well. 2018 was the darkest year of the lot, and I don't think I will ever be so beset again (or at least I hope not), but if I find myself in even that level of hell again, I know that the answer is to stop, breathe, and be in hell. Last year I survived the hell of 2018 only to find myself in the literal dark and suffering from a head injury that has resulted in a permanent TBI. I found myself physically off-balance and unable to read, a manifestation of spiritual imbalance and illiteracy. I was absolutely incapable of doing anything other than sitting some days, sometimes for days in a row. I learned to be non-productive, a lesson that was brutal -- you would think that it would be easy to simply accomplish nothing, but it almost felled me spiritually. I had to confront my inability to say "no," and to learn how to value myself for myself, irrespective of what I accomplish or produce or do. While I still have days of suffering and periods of imbalance, I have learned to value myself as a spiritual being having a human experience, and a frail one at that. As the days unfold with opportunities, I am learning to choose carefully and mindfully, opting for a few quality endeavors with built-in accommodations for my own care needs. Rest assured, my ability to get excited at each and every opportunity that comes along is not diminished. The lesson has been to learn to act in the belief that the Universe loves me and wants me to be happy -- there is no scarcity of wonderful things ready for me if I am willing to be available for them. This is so hard for me!

Anyone who has been part of this journey has gotten accustomed to the Court-date-per-challenge routine, and this challenge is no different. [For the record, I've been on this treadmill with my daughter's dad for over four years, and I know there's a day that it will end, but -- like being on a treadmill at a fast walk and having the power go out suddenly -- I have a feeling that it will be unsettling and weird and might feel like a bit of a faceplant.] The court date comes at the very end of the challenge this round, and her dad has already started with his annual autumnal tug of war. What is it with him and September? Anyway, I have learned well how not to play this game; my focus remains on healing my relationship with my daughter. All the rest is immaterial line noise.

The challenge starts out with classes beginning, a Writing workshop starting, and the commencement of my new position as an editor. Remember when I said the Universe had a million high-quality opportunities for me? It totally does. And now that I have an armload of them, it’s time to practice some of that balance and boundary setting that I spoke of, too. I can get panicky at new things that matter to me -- what if I’m not good enough??? I have (finally!!) begun to know that I am enough. I am kind and good and worthy of love and compassion. I am pretty good at what I do, too, when I stop shooting myself in the foot with panic. So there’s a weekly rhythm to be found, and if I let it unfold, the Way will open.

The first official week of the challenge I’m moving house, and that’s always a beast. I’m looking forward to it -- expect pictures, since I have no idea where everything is going or how it’s all going to fit. Maybe it won’t fit anywhere and I’ll go through another Druid-esque round of minimizing my earthly possessions. Stay tuned.

Through all the struggles, insults, and injuries, I have found that nothing matters except how we treat ourselves and each other. Thanks for being along the path with me. Having a place to be honest about everything is huge. Successes are all alike, and their universality makes them meaningless, in a way. Our sufferings and struggles are unique to us, though, and unique to a particular time in our lives; they individuate us, and in sharing them, we get to know each other. This is what community is for me. Thanks for being part of mine.

Some dates

September 14 Pack Sabbatical House stuff into Jeep

September 15 drive to Virginia; pick up new key. Unload the Jeep while I Wait around for the Cable Guy.

September 16 counseling with Vivian; communication counseling with Vivian’s dad

September 17 drive to North Carolina; clean sabbatical house, pick up Little Dog Tiu, pack the jeep of Very Last Things

September 18 Walkthrough of Sabbatical House; drive to Virginia

September 19 move stuff from storage.

September 21 Paper Due: Marriage, A History, Coontz

October 6 Paper Due: Becoming Dad, Pitts

October 16 Court

Every Week

Monday: The Republic

Tuesday: Demography of Families Response

Wednesday: Visit with Vivian

Thursday: Demography of Families article; 8 pm Writers Workshop

Friday: Enter posts for the coming week for the APA Blog; Republic response paper; 3:30 pm Philosophy accountability zoom

Saturday: Visit with Vivian; APA Posts

Sunday: Workshop pages

Happy Friday

This week flew by!
There were a lot of errands to the financial attorney's office Monday and Tuesday before the hearing on Wednesday afternoon, and then a fire at work needed taking care of so I went back in to the office to deal with that. My therapy appointment has been rescheduled for Thursdays, and it was a very good visit, though super emotional as I start to unpack why this time of year gets under my skin so deeply. Vivian and I had a lot of fun on Thursday, the first day I have been able to pick her up at school, and then went to the gym -- she loves swimming lessons and I had been away from the sauna for too long.

I finally began reading The Gifts of Imperfection and it is so good that I want to buy a boxful to give away to everyone. I checked mine out of the library and I encourage everyone to see if their library has a copy. It is just the most wonderful little book, and I'm looking forward to getting to the Guideposts at the end as well. Brown takes us through getting to the other side of shame -- which we all have and none of us talks about -- to get to love and belonging using courage, compassion and connection every day.

Speaking of books and classes, I had a bit of a panic when the prof posted the assignment for last week three days late -- three days is a big deal in my world. It got smoothed out, and in the process I found out a lot about my vulnerability points and what I count on and think I need. Self-awareness is daunting, and doing the work is actual work, in that it leaves me tired and worn out no less than moving boxes of furniture.

Speaking of moving, the whole of the neighborhood is moving at the end of the school year, or at least those of us who are left after the first wave of moving happened in the fall. It's unnerving and I'm taking a deep breath. Housing insecurity is dicey for me.

This weekend is my birthday, and we are starting the celebrations tonight with a showing of Godspell up at my university. I'm really looking forward to it. Then Saturday we have a few things to do, starting with a second garden party at the Friends Meeting House, then cleaning for the party and then a meeting with the attorney. Sunday is cooking in the morning and meeting friends at the Meeting House, followed by a bit of downtime (for real?? I must be missing something) before we pick up Vivian for the party itself and then folks start arriving. I'm looking forward to it, actually. Side note: I just realized I've no idea when we are scheduling baking the cake. That needs to get figured out.