Monday, January 13, 2020


The ultimate definition of bravery is not being afraid of who you are. ---- Chögyam Trungpa

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Gym day

Something in my Spirit has shifted, though I'm not certain what. I know that the Wolf Moon Eclipse is supposed to be a big deal, releasing our wild side, but I feel calmer instead. More centered. Not sure what is up with that, but I'll take it.

I went to meeting Monday and asked for a volunteer to take me more often. Yesterday I texted one of the volunteers and it worked out (fourth time is the charm!!). At the meeting, I asked someone if I could start calling every day. Ever since I buried my sponsor last year, I d missed the visibility and connection. We talked last night, and then again while I walked to the gym this morning.

This week I texted an old friend that had been important but become alienated through bad communication and fear on both our parts. I thanked them for being in my life. We're talking again. It's nice. We could get hurt again, but even so it wouldn't be the end of the world. Living in isolation needlessly would be tragic though.

I can feel micro spasms -- around my eyes or near my temples -- and this is totally neurological. The headaches are mostly diminished, so even though I'm wiped out by ten in the morning, I can make the most of resting.

I walked to the gym. This is mild defiance on my part, since I'm not supposed to walk alone. But it's a managed rebellion, since I had someone on the phone the whole time. #AchievementUnlocked.

I swam 300 yards.

The plan these days is about doing it. Doing it fast is not the goal -- bonus points are for consistency and duration, but overdoing it is still bad. Right now the achievement range is 220-440 yards (1/8-1/4 mile). This is up from August (110-220), which was a step up from April (NotDeadYayMe!!)

Then steam room (to kill flue) and sauna meditation (blood pressure) and shower (clean is good). I love having a permanent locker at the gym.

On the walk home, I gave serious thought to the living situation. I might move, might stay where I am but in any case I need to purge My Land of a bunch of possessions which no longer fit my abilities (or lack thereof. It's kind of delusional to have scads of cooking supplies and equipment when I'm at the point of leftovers and takeout being onerously difficult.

So I took a deep breath and owned a situation that I don't like and that is getting worse by ignoring it. I texted a friend to get a crew together. Move everything out of the attic, haul away furniture etc. that I don't use, take donations to Goodwill.

Also I've asked for help with housework. It will either materialize or it won't. I keep sending out the call.

I heard from my thesis advisor. We've been talking about structure and assembly of the final draft. I'm hoping to get something to him before I leave for New York at the end of the month (#NightOfPhilosophyAndIdeas).

White tea and naps.

Love and peace ❣️

Sunday, January 5, 2020

Rest and heal

Today was almost all resting until an evening session of Sound Meditation. Betsy led the session, and she's just magnificent. Also managed to make it an opportunity to drag in a new recruit to the practice.

Had a long bath afterwards to sweat and warm up.
More resting.

Saturday, January 4, 2020

Another Round of Weirdness

Had a rough few days in my head that then got dramatically worse Friday night. I ended up going to the Emergency Room this morning.


They pumped me full of anti-seizure stuff, and did a CT scan -- everything normal enough to send me home with a follow-up appointment.

A friend came while I was there, then made sure I ate while the prescriptions were filled. Mexican this time. It was pretty good, too.

The head still hurts on and off, but mostly I'm just tired.

Missed the visit with Vivian and I'm heartsick about it.

Friday, January 3, 2020

Sound matters

“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”
--- Nikola Tesla