Strategic Retreat

After a session on Thursday evening that left me in an active PTSD state, the healing weekend was a requirement. I checked in with my team, and more rest is required, so I'm taking two weeks to recover and reset and heal. 

 

Today's massage therapy was intense. I'm continually amazed  by the body's ability to store trauma physically.  Thank goodness for Courtney, who knows how to help everything start to let go.

 

Once home, I put on a short playlist and chopped onion, garlic and mushrooms while the butter melted. The chicken seared while I chopped green beans, and the whole thing was ready quick as three songs.

I think I have just enough energy to send some out of office emails 

 

while I eat. An extended nap is in order.

Unnerving and accurate

They hunt victims. They are not even conscious of this, it is who they think everyone in the world is.

In some cases, a scapegoated child may be taken for therapy by the abusing parent(s) as part of the narrative of the child being “broken” in some way and in need of fixing. In these cases, therapists may be taken in by the parent, especially if supported by a spouse and/or seeming credible. The child may then be judged to be “in denial”. It may be many years before the true story emerges.

Convergence

A lot of different, seemingly disparate things are coming together for me. Water scarcity. Vivian's educational needs. Food security. Mindfulness as a life, not as a ten minute practice, dreams of being shot at and worse.

Stay tuned.

And a stumble along the way

This was a hard day, fraught with missteps at every turn. I made it to the gym in the morning g, but a head cold nearly wrecked my workout: only 13 minutes on the elliptical,a quarter mile walk, and 600 meters rowing and I was spent and somehow even crankier than when I went in.

Later, bickering led to arguing and I smoked. The whole day and anything resembling peace was shot to hell by 5.

It took some serious effort to rebuild, but there is a grace and elegance to commitment as well as a strength.

Thirteen Days in A Row

Another early morning at the gym. Fifteen minutes at level six (up from level five) on the elliptical. Walked a quarter mile before pulling 100m on the rowing machine in six minutes -- my form is getting better and I'm extending back far enough that it is essentially working in 100 sit ups as well as the other awesomeness that is the rowing machine. Walked another quarter mile, then jogged a quarter mile, then hit the glute extension (12 reps each leg at 70 pounds), the inner and outer thigh machines (2 sets of 12 reps at 70 pounds each) and the back extension machine (24 reps at 70 pounds) and 16 inclined sit ups I simply could not do more than 40 pounds on the tricep machine, so I set the weight at that and did twelve of them. After that, swimming a mile was a respite, and five minutes in the hot tub was golden.

At home, Vivian was a delight as we made breakfast and changed her into her uniform and went to school. I turned the stale bagels into slices and toasted them, and they are delicious, a perfect accompnaiment to some lemon ginger tea.

I'm starting to see definition in the arms and increased firmness in the abs. I can definitely feel the improvement in my back and core. The scale says I've hit 125, and I'm really ok with that. I can feel the weight finally, finally!! coming out of my face, even if only a little. I'm probably going to need new swim shorts by April, since the waist on the ones I have is getting a bit loose. I feel really positive about the way I look for the first time in a decade.

The biggest bonus is the way I feel, which is way better overall from a couple months ago. I definitely have more energy throughout the day, and feel less cranky in general, less discouraged. I am still an emotional wreck about things at times, I grant you, but for actual reasons and not because I didn't have enough energy to feel good. Peace is possible.

Oh, and I just found out about the FitBit Blaze that is coming in March. I totally need one, but that's not important right now.

In other news, today is day nine of not smoking.

Off Schedule, Off Kilter, On Track

Last night we were up late, and today's schedule was already thrown for a loop needing to reschedule an afternoon appointment, so the morning trip to the gym got rearranged. The universe must have had a completely different set of plans for us. The evening gym visit resulted in Vivian getting a chance spot in the swim lessons. She had a good time in the kid zone while I did arms in the weight room - ten different machines, with two or three sets on each - and finished with the back extension and glute machine. Yes, after four days in a row, my abs and butt are feeling it.

Some progress has also been done on the Onerous Tasks list last night and today: I have a new sponsor; I met with the guardian ad litem; I went to two new-to-me meetings.

Also, whoever came up with acupuncture was a complete genius.