And Back Again

A while ago I posted a piece about walking meditation that included this "going without arriving" reflection from Thich Nhat Hanh:

"In our daily lives, we usually feel pressured to move ahead. We have to hurry. We seldom ask ourselves where it is that we must hurry to. When you practice walking meditation, you go for a stroll. You have no purpose or direction in space or time. The purpose of walking meditation is walking meditation itself. Going is important, not arriving. Walking meditation is not a means to an end; it is an end. Each step is life; each step is peace and joy. That is why we don’t have to hurry. That is why we slow down. We seem to move forward, but we don’t go anywhere; we are not drawn by a goal. Thus we smile while we are walking."

I was sitting with the idea of walking and how I used to walk and how somewhere along the way I no longer walk and I was thinking about how that happened and what it means for now. I stopped the habit of walking in September 2020, not because of the pandemic (I had kept my walk from March - September) when I moved from my lovely pandemic house in Durham, NC, to an apartment I didn't love and a town that felt hostile and uncaring. Shortly after that move, I had a full on existential crisis (along with a massive PTSD/ retraumatizing event), and I effectively shut down. It took several weeks to get my head on straight enough to even realize that I had fallen into a trauma-hole, and I set myself on a thousand-day journey to come back. Walking wasn't really part of that, and not-walking became the habit, even though I would have fits and starts of walknig-again.

Back in November, I crossed that imaginary thousand-day line, and set myself on a "And Back Again" thousand-day journey. I'd like to make "going without arriving" a meaningful piece of this journey even moreso than the walking.  Each step is life; each step is peace and joy.  This is the way back again. 

This is the Way.

Temple Call

 The Universe Loves Us, a meditation piece that sounds like a temple call from distant shores with a twinkling promise of starshine in dark skies.

Fatigue and Chinese Medicine

In Chinese Medicine terms, fatigue is related to fire chi, and either it's a case of having too much water and/or cold chi (working against fire) or of doing too much fire activity (burning too much of the fire and depleting it). Frequently both of these are going on.   What's important to know about this is that to address fatigue we have to address the whole system because it's like saying "my horse can't gallop anymore and is not even interested in coming out of the stable to go to the pasture." So we look at what's been going on with the horse: has it been running a freaking marathon at gallop speeds for the last forever long? (In my case, this was definitely true.) Has it been drinking water that is fouled? (True.) Has it been standing in the cold and rain? (True, again.) Well no wonder it won't come out of its stall. 🙂

 

Grief is water and it's cold- there's a reason we say we are flooded with grief and that we feel like we are drowning in it. I have a lot of grief in my life, and many of us do now. Processing it is necessary, and it's difficult. I have been good at processing through old grief, and I look forward to the day that new grief doesn't meet me daily. Relationships that are fractured are a source of continuing grief, so some sort of resolution is needed; this is the hardest work I have ever done (upside: doing it has been the source of profound peace).

 

Creativity is fire. Inspiration is a kindling of love energy, and the poets talk about art and love equally. When we are doing creative work, work that is beyond merely physical tasks of chopping wood and carrying water, we are using fire at its source. Learning to sit and be still in my mind as well as in my body has been difficult: worry is a creative act even though it doesn't feel very artful. I know I'm "doing meditation right" when I feel in balance while I sit - balance with the breath and the mind and the body that is.

So when I feel fatigued, I have to look at how I've been spending my creativity and possibly overspending it. I need to give that side a rest so that the spark doesn't die, and this is difficult: my mind and my heart are wellsprings of neat ideas and interesting musings. Meditation is akin to taking the time to add an oak log to the base of the fire: it takes a lot of balance and time for it to catch, but once it does it burns slowly and for a long time. For this reason, five minutes of meditation a couple times a day yields more results than one hour-long session once a week. In developing a meditation practice, I have discovered a bed of coals that I can return to for warmth and healing, and a bank of creativity that is sustaining even in dark times; a little fuel goes a long way when my meditation practice is solid and I'm able to write or create deeper and more meaningfully. The whole thing would crash again if I went back to my bonfire days, though, and now that I'm in a fatigued state, I have to be mindful not to take on too much, and to build in flexibility for resting and reflection.

 

Sit With That

The answer to everything is more meditation.

Meditation Zone

You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes every day -- unless you're too busy; 

then you should sit for an hour.

Thinking of turning the second bedroom into a meditation room instead of a library. Not that they are mutually exclusive, of course, but one feeds and energizes the mind, while the other still and holds it in repose.

Editing life continues to be exciting. I have three special series in development as of this week, and five seven new books for the spotlight series I'm taking on. I've caught my breath with the classwork, I think; I'm about one full rotation behind in response papers to The Republic, but small steps matter. I should be on track to finish it by the end of the term.

Writing workshop is amazing, and my next installment is due in three weeks. Wow. I'm so glad I have this in my world again. 

The Universe loves me and wants me to be happy.

Day 3: The answer to everything is more meditation

So now we have the beginnings of results.

Yes, there is an electrical anomaly: spikes of activity in my brain around the left temple.
The seizure disorder is low level enough that it might be able to be handled by meditation more than by medication. I would love that answer.

Everyone agrees that the Keppra wasn't working and was possibly causing its own issues, so huzzah! I feel heard.

Surprise Cemeteries

Taking the side roads, loving the conversation as we find surprise cemeteries, the lightning rod house, and the treason carcass.

And then the dinner and meditation magic.
Life is good.

Communes and apples and bears, o my!

Just got back from the commune. Great stuff started coming out and I'm looking forward to going again.

There was a bear under the apple tree just past the wood shed.

Namaste, y'all

Meditation Practice

I struggled with meditation forever.

Part of the practice for me is actually noticing the discomfort or whatever else is going on -- the traffic outside, the garbage truck, the bills on the desk, etc. -- and letting them EXIST, not letting them "go" exactly. It is beyond hard for me, but it is a powerful practice when I do it. {seventeen Yes, that is a big stack of bills and work over there. Well spotted! sixteen}

Try the activity below and let me know if it works or helps at all. I found my way into meditation through this little numbers game, and I still use it to center myself when I'm getting scattered or anxious:

1. Sit or lie comfortably, or as comfortably as you can for whatever is going on.
2. Lower your shoulders.
3. Be aware of your breathing.
4. Count backward from 20, with a breath on each number if it makes sense to do so -- when I'm in the board room, it's sometimes difficult to get this to line up at the beginning, but it frequently happens once I think of it and then forget about it again.
5. If you lose your spot in the count, it doesn't matter; pick up with the last number you remember.
6. Lower your shoulders whenever you think of it, if you think of it again.
7. Be as comfortable as you want, physically -- I do small adjustments and never worry about it.
8. Count to Zero.
9. If you get to zero and still have time for more, start over. :)

This worked for me, and I like to use it when I have to be present for the activity (a board meeting, a court hearing that I can't stand, etc.) but not participating (listening and not falling asleep). Caveat: I did once start a sentence with "seven," but that was only one time and I was pretty deep in the headspace, having been in it for over an hour in a court hearing while I listened to lies about me as a bad parent and was supposed to not crack so much as an expression. It's not a BIG danger, but it could happen. :)

Best of luck with the practice!
If you make one intentionally positive action today, every day, you won't believe the beauty that your world will be in a year.

Challenge 34: Center

Center

I'm coming into this round a bit worn thin. I don't think that the conflict is going to slow its pace -- last challenge saw the Whirling Dervish of Conflict speed its pace and extend its scope. The only sane response to insanity is more sanity, and in my case that means do less and center more. Elements in bold are the core target, with elements in italics being stretch goals.

Love > Fear

Stillness > Chaos

Mind 

Writing (this is in bold because it's a focus point for the challenge, a point where when things get into conflict -- and they always do at some point, because that's life for you -- I can touch back to what is central) 

• Tinker Mountain Writers Workshop. I'm taking a retreat to focus on writing my memoir. For real. Week 3  
• Class -- I'm enrolled in an online class, The Hero's Journey, for Summer term. It begins the week of June 19, so it will only just get included in this challenge.I'm super excited, of course. Bonus is that the classwork is advertised to be mostly readings and watching a film each week, with papers and discussion related to that. I think I can handle this, despite the burnout that threatened to overwhelm me last term.

Body

• Nightly sleep I need to take care of myself by making certain I'm getting enough rest. If I'm worn out and exhausted, I can't be a good student / parent / friend. I need to be in bed no later than 9 p.m. I am hoping the meditation routine will dovetail with this.
• Nightly Floss Routine - this only takes seconds, so it's not as though it is really hard or anything. I have floss and coconut oil  for oil pulling next to the toothpaste now, so it's kind of inevitable.

Soul 

• Daily mindfulness
• Daily quiet time
• Nightly Meditation and reading of Faith & Practice
• Weekly meetings & Connections :
• Women's Meeting Monday
• Home Group Meeting Tuesday
• Letters Wednesday
• Therapy Thursday
• Sponsor Meeting Friday
• Home Group Meeting Saturday
• Friends Meeting Sunday 
• Radio Interview / Essay weekly
• weekly budget meeting with my partner -- Sunday

Bonus:

Financial Planning with the attorney: Financial worry is soul-crushing. I recently read a report on the effects of poverty sapping nearly an entire standard deviation from a person's intelligence, and I can completely believe that. The mental peace that will come from financial clarity is huge. I have the documents ready to deliver on May 26, and then we will have a strategy meeting to schedule. Hopefully this will all be complete by the end of the challenge, or shortly thereafter.

Challenge 33: Nourish

Nourishing Mind, Body and Soul

Mind 

Classwork (this is in bold because it's a focus point for the challenge, a point where when things get into conflict -- and they always do at some point, because that's life for you -- I can touch back to what is central) 

I'm enrolled in an independent study and an online class this term. At this point, I only have the papers left, but that's a huge piece (in the case of the independent study, it's the only piece.)

• Posting on Tuesday for the Comparative Urbanism Class
• Paper 1 for Comparative Urbanism
• Paper 2 for Comparative Urbanism
• Paper for Identity, Politics and Power in the 20th Century 

Body

Nightly sleep 

I need to take care of myself by making certain I'm getting enough rest. If I'm worn out and exhausted, I can't be a good student / parent / friend. I need to be in bed no later than 9 p.m. I am hoping the meditation routine will dovetail with this.

Nightly Floss Routine - this only takes seconds, so it's not as though it is really hard or anything. I have floss and coconut oil  for oil pulling next to the toothpaste now, so it's kind of inevitable.

Soul 

Daily mindfulness

Daily quiet time

Nightly Meditation and reading of Faith & Practice

Weekly meetings & Connections

• Women's Meeting Monday
• Home Group Meeting Tuesday
• Letters Wednesday
• Therapy Thursday
• Sponsor Meeting Friday
• Home Group Meeting Saturday
• Friends Meeting Sunday 
• Radio Interview / Essay weekly

Bonus:

Financial Planning with the attorney

Financial worry is soul-crushing. I recently read a report on the effects of poverty sapping nearly an entire standard deviation from a person's intelligence, and I can completely believe that. The mental peace that will come from financial clarity is huge.

Also, a weekly budget meeting with my partner -- Sunday

Climate Change and Your Health

There's a new study going around, analyzing how climate change will affect health issues. Please note that every sector of the country has the icon indicating an impact to the mental health and well being of residents. Every single American is going to face increased pressure to their mental health and well being as a direct result of climate change. It's too late to do anything about the Boomer impact on the environment, but it's a great time to start developing your mental health tool kit. The good news is that a lot of what we can do to become more resilient is absolutely free and easy:

• Meditate
• Practice Mindfulness
• Start a gratitude journal
• Simplify

You'll be happy you did.

Challenge 32: Bloom

Bloom

My challenges are usually about measuring what I am going to do, and that’s all good.
But this time I’m doing something a little different -- I’m going to report on what I do.

I’m not interested in giving myself grief or being all judgey -- I’m interested in seeing what I do that is on-target, a check-in to see where I am at the habit level. I have a suspicion that it’s lots higher than I am giving myself credit for.

So this time around, I am celebrating my successes. I’m looking forward to seeing how I’m doing with physical and emotional wellness, educational balance, and financial fitness. (See what I did there? That’s a 3+1 old school formula.)

Challenge 31: Frost

Frost, or Isa, the Rune of Ice

Attention to small things gives us real results in large things.
This is my Why, and the Tao is my Way. The Rune Isa indicates stillness and reinforcement, a great theme for me this round.
I'm going with a 3x5 (+1) for this, three goals with five elements each plus one life goal.

1. Act (daily elements) - keeping in action to sustain the healthy foundation. Improvements are bonus, a happy accident of continued use over time.
   1. Morning walk -- 20 minutes
   2. Steam room and sauna meditation -- 20 minutes
   3. Hydrate -- 2+ litres throughout the day
   4. Sleep - 9p.m. to 5 a.m.
   5. Journal
2. Connect (daily elements) -- nurture and be nurtured by my community
   1. Meetings daily
   2. Call Paula daily
   3. Call Vivian daily
   4. Friends group weekly
   5. Monthly newsletter thought of the day
3. Sustain (weekly / monthly elements)- these are the things that keep me centered and whole, no matter what life throws at me. And trust me, life has a wicked curve ball these days.
   1. Katrina - weekly therapy
   2. Greg - weekly acupuncture
   3. Sunday - weekly reset routine
   4. Erin - monthly yoga therapy
   5. Candy - monthly hair appointment
4. Freedom -- leveling up on financial freedom is a huge deal for a reason. It takes a lot of willpower over time, but it reaps long lasting rewards.
   1. Assess the landscape -- so much has changed since October that it needs a thorough reevaluation (Week 0-1)
   2. Plan (Week 2-3)
   3. Execute (Week 4)
      1. Weekly
      2. Monthly
      3. One-offs

Meditation

Meditation isn’t quite like other methods of self-improvement. It’s not as though you can say “Let’s meditate three times a week!” and then schedule it, show up a the gym to lift heavy things or run fast and far, and have it in any way be done.

Meditation is a mindset.

It is not mindlessness. Do not confuse meditation’s stillness with emptiness; many folks speak of the blank mind, but that is not the case, truly. More it is the mind empty of attachments, neither leading nor following, simply watching the stream of consciousness travel by.

Think of being on a bank and watching the river. You only see a portion of the river, but it is the river, all the same. You sometimes see a leaf on the river, but that doesn’t matter; the leaf travels on and the river still is. That is how the meditative mind works, as an observer to the river, with thoughts like leaves or twigs that appear, float along, and move out of view. They change your observation -- your mindset -- not at all.

Beginning meditation is not the same, exactly, as starting weight training or walking to Mordor. The way that success is measured is different, because meditation is a mindset and not a single activity. It’s not even, in the way of martial arts or yoga, an activity in process, but we can approach understanding the measure of meditation more readily if we think in terms of the activity of it.

Think of meditation as a song, and the practice of it as singing.

If you had a goal of being able to sing a song, then you might want to practice singing three times a week for fifteen minutes each time. Starting by singing for an hour once a week wouldn’t actually be as helpful as singing for a few minutes, maybe even in the grocery store or in the shower, throughout the week.

We don’t measure the success of the song by the volume of it, or by its duration, but instead it succeeds as a measure of its quality. Letting the song be exactly as it is can be difficult -- we are tempted to add trills to make it more interesting as we sing it, or to add harmonics to show off our skill a bit. But those “extras” are not the song.

Simple can be hard, not because it is hard on its own, but because it’s hard for us to leave it alone.

We want more; we want interesting; we want complex and complicated; we want showy.

But meditation is the art and practice of simplicity of thought, without ego and without ornamentation.

To begin a meditation practice, do not look at how often you can increase the practice, or how long you can sustain it. Look instead at the quality of the experience. What was smooth and what was difficult? In answering the question, we begin to play the practice, for it is through reflection that we are able to understand where we are simple and where we are showy. Sometimes, while singing the song, we are able to hit the notes, and sometimes we are not; sometimes the melody flows easily from us and sometimes it does not. But it is always singing. The difference between a novice’s warble and a virtuoso’s solo is simple: practice in an environment of feedback, not one of failure. There is not so much success with meditation as there is ease.

And when simplicity of thought comes with ease, all things will be more in balance, and the Way will be more clear.

As you consider taking on the practice of meditation start by answering:

• What is it you hope to gain through meditation?
• Describe successful meditation
• Tell me about one who has mastered meditation:
• What does her life have that yours does not?
• What abilities does she have that you do not?

A-Muse-ing

A friend of mine has ordered a muse. This news immediately made me think of poor Calliope in the opening of the Sandman series, but then, in what is not likely a turn for the better, my mind linked it up to the (really amazing) "Connected" short.

There are a lot of connections bouncing around in my world.
I think that I would get storminess all the time.